The New and Improved Douglass

These pictures don't show adequately the transformation in Douglass, but its there. In the first picture that is how he looked all the time 6 months ago, either angry or depressed or totally shut down. Then at the Challenge Academy he got some of his spirit back and he started to engage the world again. He is a transformed guy. He would always do chores if I nagged him enough, now he does what he is asked and follows through completely, but even more gratifying is that he sees what needs to be done without being asked and does it. A huge change.

Douglass because of his prenatal drug exposure and the history of severe seizures has some real cognitive challenges. He particularly struggles when it comes to more abstract stuff like higher math. But he is bound and determined to get his GED and he knows he needs to conquer the math, so yesterday, on a Saturday, he pestered me into finding the home school math books and he began to study. He has committed to at least 4 sessions a week, he is also working so doesn't have a lot of free time, and i think he will follow through on this. He was very receptive to my teaching him yesterday, something he had gotten extremely resistant to in the last two years of home school before he just dropped out.

One of the things that cheers me and lets me know that this is not all some sort of show on his part is that he and his sister immediately settled back into their intense sibling rivalry. He has also been genuine with his expressions of frustration and anger since he has been home. What is different is that the edge is gone. I am not afraid that he will explode or blow up into aggression. He has used words and gone off by himself when overwhelmed. He really seems to have finally internalized some of the self- regulation that we have all been trying to teach him for years.

On a humorous note, one of the nice things that has changed is that he does not have a comeback for everything and need to argue about everything and/or have the last word. This makes interacting with him so much more pleasant. So I asked him about this and he said that at the Academy if you answered back or argued with the sergeants you had to do military style push ups, 10 for every time you argued. He allowed as how he had to do 80 one time because he wouldn't shut up and just do what he was told. This apparently made an impression and he has learned to curb his tongue. :-)

So next week we explore adult education/literacy so he can get working on his GED and we will enroll him at the community college in some non-degree classes. He is working right now for a friend of ours but I want him to get out and get a "real" job with a boss who is not a friend of the family. I think he needs that accountability in the long term. And I am going to insist that he work towards at least testing for his driver's license. Just from a self-esteem point of view he needs to conquer that fear.

Not sure how to handle this

Got a frantic phone call from Annie's placement the other night. They wanted to know what they should do now that her sister had died. I was like What?!?!?! (which if you have read here before you will know is my usual response to Annie's antics)

She had convinced them for several days that her sister was in the hospital with severe seizures and then at 2:20 that afternoon she had gotten a call that her sister had died at the hospital. They wanted to know how to support Annie through this and what the funeral arrangements were going to be.

Well it took a little bit, but I set them straight and reassured them that no one in our family had died, at least that I was aware of and I assumed I would be one of the first to know. Also let them know that although Annie did have a sister Brooke who had some issues, none of them were life threatening and she was not in the hospital.

So, how do I handle this? I am not sure what Annie thought she was accomplishing by this, we haven't seen such obvious lying in awhile. This was something she set up over several days, laying the groundwork of being worried about her sister, than pretending to get more phone calls with even worse news until her sister "died". How did she think she was going to explain that to us? Her treatment team thinks that she was trying to set up a possible AWOL, but she has never had to be so clever in the past, she has just slipped out when no one was watching.

I have not called her and she has not called me. I can't just let something this big lay there untouched. So I will have to deal with it but I don't know what to say. Should I use humor, should I be angry, should I make it clear that we will catch these things and that she is not making life easier for herself with these lies? I don't know. And then part of me is worried that she has had a psychotic break again and that she really thought this was true, which would be a whole 'nother kettle of worms.

Not a G or PG post, a bit raw sorry

I apologize ahead of time if this is a bit much reality, but it is what we are living with so here goes.

It's Annie, again, could you have guessed? She just called from her placement, first the good news, she made her level 3 which means she can be outside the house without staff, and I am supposed to feel good about this given her extensive history of really, really poor decision making, including repeatedly getting into cars with strangers who stop by and ask her if she wants to go party with them! Sorry, that was supposed to be the good news. And I am glad that she is working to gain more privileges, do I think she will choose well this time?, nooooooo..... But I am hoping and praying.

Then she tells me she got a job, had an interview and everything. Why isn't this the good news, you ask? Well, it is because she has a history of being inappropriate with younger children, not one who was charged with anything, because we intervened and got her sent to a specialized treatment program for young girls. I am beginning to think that we did not do anyone a favor by intervening so quickly and taking responsibility for our child so quickly as here she is an adult (well by the birth date anyway) without a record who is going to be working at the *&**( group care for elementary children). Now, she assures me she is not working directly with the children as she would have had to pass a drug screen and a criminal check for that, but is rather cleaning up. Still I worry because she will be where there are a lot of children and I do not trust that she will always act appropriately in relation to them, it is a huge temptation that she is putting in front of herself. I warned you it was raw!*

Third piece of "good" news, she doesn't have cancer. I was like what?!?!?! Apparently she had to be taken for a biopsy of her cervix as she had such bad genital warts and other STDS (again with the raw, sorry, sorry) that they were sure she had cancer. The blood tests indicated possibly cancerous conditions, but it was just a really bad bladder infection, and the biopsy was benign. Now I am glad that she doesn't have cancer, yes, I truly am, but I didn't even know about the biopsy so I am in such a state of shock I haven't gotten to the good news part of the story yet. I am still absorbing the STDs part.

Oh and to top it off, her last comment before her minutes ran out on her phone was that since she doesn't have cancer she doesn't have to worry about quitting smoking anymore. And I was speechless and left with a dead phone into which I mumbled, "but, but, but". It is so scary to deal with Annie and the way her mind works. I am sure that she thinks that since she doesn't have cancer she won't ever get it and so unprotected sex will not hurt her. ARGHH!!


*She had to go out and buy some work appropriate clothing since none of her tee shirts could be worn around little children given the slogans and impossibly low cleavage, etc. This is one of the areas that she is so inappropriate with, her clothes all have really graphically sexual messages or have booze and drug slogans, etc. I really worry that she will talk about this kind of stuff around children and that she will not clean up her language which is worse than a sailors'.

Pride or maybe just Dignity goeth before a Fall

I had to laugh at Cindy's skinned knees, because I am nursing an abraded elbow and bruised hip from my graceless fall. I thought I was being cool playing with the teens' balance board until I lost concentration and my legs flew out from under me and I came down hard on my elbow, shoulder and hip. There is nothing broken, but I think I will be sore tomorrow. Very luckily there was no one in the TV room to see my spectacular splat, so I got to lay there and whimper quietly to myself for awhile until I felt well enough to struggle to my feet. (martyr, martyr, whine, whine)

Right now son, Douglas is trying to master Guitar Hero and not doing too bad a job. Everybody has better rhythm than I do, it isn't fair.

I had a very quiet day, almost boring. I don't do down time well but I guess I will have to get used to it. As the last kids get older and are so self sufficient I will have to discover a life of my own, (help). I am not sure I am up for that just yet.

Douglas graduated!!!

This is a picture that a number of people would have thought to never see, Douglas graduating. At this time last year he had withdrawn so far inside of himself, refusing to do school, refusing to get a job, not a bad kid, just vacant and withdrawn, going nowhere.

He had a great therapist and psychiatrist working with him on the depression but none of us could get him off of square one, he seemed intent on sitting in the basement watching horror videos and paying personal shooter games on his various video platforms. When I had gradually consequenced him from all of those, he just stayed in his room, or went out back and shot arrows at targets for hours. Obviously we were very concerned for his mental health. Then at the state fair he ran into a National Guard booth and found out about this challenge academy that they run. He was intrigued and despite my pacifist reservations I was happy to see him interested in something. He was accepted into their 6 month Challenge Academy in January and graduated yesterday.

We have gotten back a much more mature focused young man. He has goals and thoughts about his future. He no longer seems scared or hesitant about how hard things are going to be, he seems to have an inner confidence that he CAN do it now. He still has to get his GED, which for someone with his incredible learning disabilities will be tough, but he is willing to work at it. Tonight as we were talking he said, "My life is filled with teachers all around me, I just need to learn the lessons". He is amazing these days.

We are very proud of him, but most importantly he is proud of himself.

Memories

Using that picture in the last post brought back a flood of memories about one of our placements. It was a sibling group of 4 young Hispanic children who had been abandoned by their mother at the local shelter.



They were the most adorable children and we took them on an emergency placement the same weekend we were doing respite for 2 other little boys so we had a total of about 11 children all told in the home that weekend. When the supervisor came out to do the placement paperwork on Saturday, since I got them late Friday, she didn't stay long, she couldn't take the chaos. I was in my element having a great time.



The four kids were 2,3, 5 and 6 years old. Only the oldest girl had much English, the two babies had none. Luckily my husband is bilingual. They came in with bruises and marks that had to be photographed and before they even got a chance to have dinner they had to be interviewed by the cops and the SW. It was a difficult time for them. They should have been terrified of the whole process and of us, but they were actually happy to be somewhere where they would have beds and they were ecstatic over the toys. The 2 year old, that I had gotten the referral saying she was like a feral animal scratching and biting, throwing tantrums at the shelter, was a sweet, loving baby, wanting to be held and carried.



Of course they had lice and only came with the clothes on their back. I was able to arrange the sleeping rooms so that the three girls shared a room and the little 3 year old guy slept in an adjoining "nursery" so that he could be close to them. Every night they went to bed in separate beds, every morning they were like a pile of puppies snuggled together in the oldest sister's bed.



We had a blast that summer, went to the pool, to the zoo, clothes shopping, played in the backyard. They loved bubbles and catching fireflies and taking walks and riding bikes. We had some interesting "cultural" experiences. It never occurred to me that these kids had not eaten take out in a car before, I mean it should have because they were strangers to car seats and seat belts, but as middle class suburban family there are just some things you take for granted as universal experiences. (Live and learn, I guess) So we stopped at the drive through on the way to the soccer field from another person's activity and I ordered them all kids meals with milk. Well before you could say boo, there were french fries spilled and milk on the seats, etc. They didn't have a clue how to balance all that food in and around their laps. Now that is a skill most of mine developed before they were out of diapers, I regret to say as it reflects poorly on my feeding choices :-) It was just an interesting eye opener. And it was a skill they quickly learned as they had numerous opportunities to practice, again I regret to say.

Before we were able to settle into any kind of routine the system broke for these kids. Despite the fact that the grandmother had some neglect charges stemming from her own teenage daughter and that she had a 2 bedroom apartment with a disabled husband and said teenager already living there, the judge saw fit to return the children to the grandmother.



Now I am all for reunification and keeping families together. Our most joyous and proud work is mentoring parents and families into healing. But it was so sad in this case as the older girls expressed a great deal of fear about going to Grandma's. They asked the SW not to send them, they begged to stay with me. They spoke of the physical discipline Grandma used, the fact that the teen daughter always had lice and Grandma's house was smelly and dirty. They cried. But the judge saw fit to put them with the grandmother.

As I was transporting them all back to the SW's office for the last time, we got the call while we were at a bowling alley, I had a truly disturbing conversation with the oldest sister. She kept asking me what she was going to do, she was truly worried about the safety and health of her younger siblings. With tears in my eyes I coached her on how to call 911 if needed, how to tell a teacher or an another adult if needed, to keep telling until someone listened. But I don't think she had any faith in any of that, after all here she was going back into her dysfunctional family, sent by the very system I was telling her to contact. My heart broke on that trip.

So many times the foster care system puts these kids back, gives the parents and families way too many chances, and it is the kids who are destroyed. It isn't any specific post of Cindy's that I am remembering but some of her references to how her sibling groups lived and survived in their birth environments and how often an older sibling tried desperately to parent and protect the younger siblings. It is heartbreaking to realize the responsibilities these young children must assume. As a foster parent we often face such tough experiences through our kids and it is in situations such as these we experience most fully our true total powerlessness within the decision making part of the system.

I still love and pray for you L, Nando, C and S.

Got a cute call

(This photo is not truly relevant, just a sweet picture of a surprised baby, expressing the emotions I had when I got the cute call)

I don't think I mentioned that last week when DBG was with me she cut her hair, hacked off a huge swath and we had to go get a very short bob that only minimally disguised the damage. (wish I could show you the photo). Well today I get a call from her mom, and she says "I picked DBG up at daycare today and you wouldn't believe it" Yup she had hacked that hair again. Apparently she has a bald spot on her left side now and looks very goofy. Ahhh gotta love those natural consequences.

After I talked to mom for a bit and we chuckled about it, DBG got on the phone and told me she was going to glue her hair back on. She knew she was in trouble because she was trying to talk all sweet to me, "I love you Mama," etc. So since I am not going to see DBG for almost 3 weeks I asked mom to take some pics. It will be almost grown back in by the time I see her again, or at least I hope so. Don't know if I want to be escorting a patchy haired child to the zoo and the swim club!?!

I do love that mom is feeling comfortable enough again to call and chat over something like that. Our trust had eroded badly over an incident that got blown out of proportion by the social workers, but we seem to be getting back onto more solid ground again.

I am hoping that by making myself unavailable (truthfully so with my work ,but we could have arranged something if we had to) for the next 3 weeks that they might do a little more work at family building. I have resolved that I am not really helping them by taking her every weekend, I was selfishly serving my own needs, and convincing myself that DBG needed me. So I am going to be firm and only do every other weekend or even only once a month. It is time for this family to get it together and I really think they can. I wouldn't be risking DBG if I didn't believe that mom had it in her to succeed at this. She just needs a big push, so here I go with a push.