No real changes

Nothing much has changed in our situation. We are working with the state level politicos to try to get some traction on the Medicaid people. But mostly today has been spent with no news, no call backs, no progress.

I am feeling a little better, I made it through work today, got some chores done and even had enough energy to make scalloped potatoes for dinner. So hopefully tonight will be better. I am actually afraid of the 3 AM wake up (involuntary but habitual) but I am hoping I can tamp the anxiety down enough to make it through.

I still feel like we are running around in the maze with no exit and no cheese reward either! But the shock has worn off enough that I am not quaking.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful and sincere responses. One of the only thing that helps is knowing that there are people out there who understand and who are not judging me or my parenting. Thanks for the support, I am sure not getting any from the real live helping professions people who are all about making her mental illness my fault. Even though she came to my home at 19 months, she was already a victim of Shaken Baby (thus the Acquired Brain Injury), a victim of maternal alcohol and drug abuse while in utero, a genetic carrier of bi-polar, ADD and schizophrenia, and one of the most severely abused children the state had seen in a long time. We tried hard, but that damage can not be loved away no matter how hard we tried. And yet my parenting is the only cause of her issues as far as the SWs, psychiatrists, therapists, crisis interventionists, and residential treatment center staff are concerned. They only reinforce Annie's view that none of this is her responsibility and justify her extreme targeted anger at me.

Trapped in Post Traumatic Stress Hell

The very thought of having Annie come home, even for a short time, has triggered all sorts of post traumatic stress issues for me. I spent last night in hell, reliving the last few years that she was in the home, beating myself up for "allowing" all the things to happen that did, second guessing myself, playing the evil "what if" game.

I am exhausted, I have a migraine and I am scared as hell.

There are no services out there for her. Can we really turn our backs and make a homeless shelter her only option? The program she is now in has announced that since Medicaid stopped paying for her on the 8th of October that we are now responsible for the thousands of dollars of her care. Of course the fact that they didn't tell us until the 20th that there was any kind of problem is irrelevant.

My stress levels are through the roof. They have been extremely high before this because the financial bottom dropped out of our lives when the contracts my husband's business was planning on all dried up in the space of a week 2 weeks ago.

All the memories keep haunting me, the fact that the younger children were hurt by her in so many ways and I didn't, couldn't stop it. The number of times we were really convinced that she had turned a corner only to be completely blindsided by another out break of completely harmful and inappropriate behaviors. I cannot go back to that crazy making environment. It has been almost two years and I am only now starting to trust my own judgement and experiences again.

Depression has zoomed back to overwhelm me. All I want to do is curl up and cry. I don't even have the energy to rant and rave about the unfairness of the world.

Funky Day

This is a picture of DBG and her pinata, and me of course. DBG got it into her head to make a pinata after seeing it on a video (Preschool Power). So we did and she did a marvelous job of stepping through all the tasks and staying focused. She even waited for it to get dry before she decorated it.

This picture has nothing to do with this post.

I have had a difficult day, not a bad one and so many others have been far worse, but I am in a grumbling complaining mood so I'll tell you all.

It was all about work. Today is the only day this week that I get to spend at my desk because I only work 25 hours a week. The rest of my time, this week, is filled by 4 hours of training foster/adoptive parents, 4 hours of supervising a volunteer work crew that is helping to set up the new room for our Foster Parent Resource Room, and 11 hours out at a community festival promoting our program through an information booth. I like the diversity of my job and I am not one to enjoy sitting endlessly at my desk. BUT... I cannot do my job and meet performance expectations if I only have 6 hours at my desk and half of that is taken up by staff meetings and supervision.

See I am whiny today. I just feel overwhelmed and like I am falling behind and I hate to play catch up, it really stresses me out. I feel unprepared for training, I haven't gotten back to about 7 information requests and did not have time to follow up with a foster mom who was requesting school uniforms for her new kiddo.

Hopefully next week will be less chaotic and I can get back on top of things again.

It just keeps getting better

It was my birthday on Sunday, one shy of the big 5 0. Sunday wasn't so hot, not much in the way of birthday excitement from the kids or hubby. Pretty much as anticipated. I have learned not to expect too much. (a lot of you can relate I know from reading your posts about your birthdays)

We went out for an extremely pleasant family dinner, the best in forever, everyone was on their game and we had a delightful round of conversations and witty rejoinders without anyone getting an attitude or offended. From that point on my birthday just kept getting better.

With a lot of coaching my DH was able to get me a present that I really wanted (instead of the generator he thought I needed, no really, one year he got me an electric chainsaw, luckily it was disassembled in the box or he just might have been disassembled himself!!) Of course, he procrastinated about the purchase so it didn't come until Monday but it came.

He got me a Wii Fit and I am in heaven. We have all really enjoyed it but me most of all, which is how it should be don't you think? I now have an exercise something I can do in the early AM as I am rousting the kids and yet still be near if I am needed. I am so happy that he got what I WANTED and not what he thought I needed.

So that came on Monday and on Monday I actually got a birthday card in the mail. Can you believe it my very own birthday card, it came as a form card from my state representative, but hey I am not picky, I proudly displayed my card for all to see and talked about the joy I experienced in opening it as the supper table so everyone could share in that joy.

Then on Tuesday my mother called to wish me Happy Birthday! Yup on Tuesday. But I had so many endorphins from my glorious exercising on my Wii Fit that I had a great conversation with her all the same.

Then today I actually had a luncheon thrown for me at work, complete with cards, some nice gifts and a cookie cake. I am now really enjoying this birthday thing. I am wondering what will happen tomorrow. Can it get any better than this? I hope not or I will have way too many expectations for next year :-)

So sarcasm aside it really has been a good birthday or birthweek or something. Far more than usual and with none of the typical acting out that usually happens with the kids if I want a little me time or recognition. Maybe we are all growing up, who knows! I really, really liked having a birthday lunch at work. For me, one of the absolute best perks at work is co-workers, I really enjoy having other adults to interact with.

So I hope any one else can have a birthday like mine, free of annoying outbursts and full of some much needed affirmation (even if the only card you get is from your state representative!)

Pride or maybe just Dignity goeth before a Fall

I had to laugh at Cindy's skinned knees, because I am nursing an abraded elbow and bruised hip from my graceless fall. I thought I was being cool playing with the teens' balance board until I lost concentration and my legs flew out from under me and I came down hard on my elbow, shoulder and hip. There is nothing broken, but I think I will be sore tomorrow. Very luckily there was no one in the TV room to see my spectacular splat, so I got to lay there and whimper quietly to myself for awhile until I felt well enough to struggle to my feet. (martyr, martyr, whine, whine)

Right now son, Douglas is trying to master Guitar Hero and not doing too bad a job. Everybody has better rhythm than I do, it isn't fair.

I had a very quiet day, almost boring. I don't do down time well but I guess I will have to get used to it. As the last kids get older and are so self sufficient I will have to discover a life of my own, (help). I am not sure I am up for that just yet.