Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Trapped in Post Traumatic Stress Hell

The very thought of having Annie come home, even for a short time, has triggered all sorts of post traumatic stress issues for me. I spent last night in hell, reliving the last few years that she was in the home, beating myself up for "allowing" all the things to happen that did, second guessing myself, playing the evil "what if" game.

I am exhausted, I have a migraine and I am scared as hell.

There are no services out there for her. Can we really turn our backs and make a homeless shelter her only option? The program she is now in has announced that since Medicaid stopped paying for her on the 8th of October that we are now responsible for the thousands of dollars of her care. Of course the fact that they didn't tell us until the 20th that there was any kind of problem is irrelevant.

My stress levels are through the roof. They have been extremely high before this because the financial bottom dropped out of our lives when the contracts my husband's business was planning on all dried up in the space of a week 2 weeks ago.

All the memories keep haunting me, the fact that the younger children were hurt by her in so many ways and I didn't, couldn't stop it. The number of times we were really convinced that she had turned a corner only to be completely blindsided by another out break of completely harmful and inappropriate behaviors. I cannot go back to that crazy making environment. It has been almost two years and I am only now starting to trust my own judgement and experiences again.

Depression has zoomed back to overwhelm me. All I want to do is curl up and cry. I don't even have the energy to rant and rave about the unfairness of the world.


Sage said...

I just found you through Cindy, and read your post from Monday. WOW! I didn't know you knew my daughter! Only difference is that Gail will be 40 years old in two months! She was doing well through college, including a Masters program, and was raising her two boys in an acceptable manner. Then, the jerk and vodka entered her life, and she now is a week away from being homeless. Thank goodness the boys have been living with their dad for the past six years.

We, also, refuse to let her live with us. The drinking, partying, hollering, fighting, swearing, etc are not acceptable in our home. So, she'll be homeless.

We adopted her and her three brothers just before her thirteenth birthday. We cannot erase those first thirteen years no matter how hard we try, and I'm afraid she is now destined to live the life of her birth mother.

So sad. What do we do? There's no help available to her because she has burned all her bridges by missing appointments, lying on applications, and just plain not cooperating when help was available.

FASD, mental illnesss and alcoholism have taken our daughter. And I'm so sad about it. I can understand you. Completely.

God bless,

Torina said...

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family. You are in my thoughts.

Meg an Aggie in Frisco said...

Beth, all I can say is may God's grace and mercy surround you and your family.

Alyssa's Mom said...

My thoughts are with you!